thingamabob

Hello.
I write a sucky combination of words.
I try too hard to unbraid my suckiness.
I want to be. I long. I long to want to be.
I am a sucky combination of suckiness.

I should stop editing videos of the past and future inside my head. I think I do know how to glance down on my uneven nails, fiddle with the hem of my scarf, but my mind insists on convincing me that it can imagine. The lines on the floor start curling around, and I hear echos that are concerned about me. I see a smiling parabola. The guffaws from the corner are real though, and the couple of people I know holding hands are really gracefully plunging from a cliff. 

Generally, I can’t ‘just leave things like that’. I either over-use something, or wipe it out. I want to wipe out my existence. I tried over-using it, but I’m just so scared of movement.

Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Like Me

1. The title itself suggests the fact that I’m a self-centred creep.
2. I am always corny in my ways.
3. I’m not an actual fan of anything or anyone. So there’s a zero chance you’ll go like: “Oh my goodness! You like *insert someone or something here*! Let’s fangirl together!”
4. I utterly dislike tea.
5. I’m kind of, okay, really thrilled for school. I seem to fancy the stress.
6. I have an obsession with listing out my flaws.
7. I get so shy sometimes that it gets rude.
8. I’ve been told by multiple people, multiple times, that I’m judgemental.
9. I feel like tightly holding your neck, I feel like staring at you, I feel like cutting your nails and then painting the bits. Yes, yourself, you lovely person. I may not know you personally, but true.
10. I despise myself. So why should you even think of liking me? (I assume you were thinking of liking me. *whimpers*)

It’s perplexing to not know where you really belong. Where your heart soaks and disintegrates. Which street smell makes you homesick. How are you supposed to make room for longing.

And then he asked me,
If I loved him,
Asked everyone else,
I felt myself wince,
Together with ‘yes’.

Poor foreigner with,
Drooping cheeks,
Lagging with,
The curly tears,
Oh, you, cruel mummy.

Streams grow up,
Inside your neck,
I think of flashlights,
Turning your eyes,
To crescents.

I watch the lumps of sugar deceiving me. They appear promising and sweet. They make me imagine being whisked till my life turned into a beautifully crafted cake. But icing is too sugary. It makes my stomach churn. The individual sugar crystals have sharp ends, and they don’t provide bandage either. I hurry right away. Dump the sugar lumps in the river beside me. And I try resting on the bank but it’s too prickly, and the grass will probably be killed because of me. I want to cross to the other side. I see a bridge with broken down wooden sheets. The one that would collapse as you take one step. But I tried anyway. Right now, I’m drowning. It’s not because I can’t swim. It’s because the river is too sugary, seeping in my nostrils, filling my airways.

Ubiquitous spirits.

Hard steps across the hallway,
Terrifying ding is heard,
This happens every Tuesday,
As choking as milk with curd.

He makes his way to the table,
I hurry on the flight of stairs,
I hear the traditional babble,
“Come down to face the glares!”

“Pour sweetness in your glassware,
I’ll fill your sheets with scribbles,
Come closer and you’ll do well.”
My thoughts can’t help but dribble.

Somehow your image lingers,
Exclusively I can see it,
Control the wooden fingers,
The candles are to be lit.

He asks me why I’m drowsy,
You’re still there, oh, so wretched,
My thoughts are always bouncy,
Hoping dreams are fetched.

Dear Grandma,

I have always loved you, have you known that? Yes, we were quite apart but they say distance never matters. I loved your atmosphere, your home, your significant presence. I have never known that, but I wish you did. I yearned for the summer days, just to get a glimpse of life over there, where Father was brought up. I was a child, I still am, but then, I was a child who did not know that family members can completely despise you. I was unaware, and you were the only goodness over there. You got me felt-tips pens, they delighted me, you knew I loved to draw. I still have them Grandma, I still do, even though they don’t work anymore. I liked your room, so cool, where you sat and calmly watched the television or prayed. I sat next to you, with legs that didn’t touch the ground, and was unconciously feeling your warmth. You gave us some sweets, I never ate them, but your smile is still there, so fervent, so dear. I did not have enough of you Grandma, I am still childish, believe me. I thought it was fine, I thought I did not like it over there. I still have the sound of the athan embedded in my memory, so loud and echoing, so sentimental. You slowly drifted away, the glorious days were diminishing. Miles away, I heard Father call you, it left me sadder than ever. You were gradually leaving us, I thought it was fine, but no, it never was. I am not asking you to come back, Grandma, for you deserve much more. Your voice is still there, faint, but still there. I shed a drop of bitterness when passing by a place which used to be the holiday routine. It does not matter now, it does not, it has been closed down. Why shall I step into a place full of memories, when the only goodness in it was you?

Attention Sweetums!

In case you haven’t noticed, my tumblog has become a great deal more diversified than before. I love diversifying, I hope you do too, but here’s this post to clear things up a bit, a weekly plan, to be precise.
1. Personal blogging shall be held on Sundays, i.e. a photo I captured, a real life experience, randoms about me or just inspiring things I’ve reblogged.
2. Mondays are for videos, and the videos are based on populous topics, I’ll make an effort to add a dash of humour within.
3. Social Science posts are reserved for Tuesdays, these include Sociology, Business, History, Geography, but I implore you to excuse me if they weren’t what you’d call quality as I’m not a specialist.
4. Wednesday is for a surprise post!
5. I’ll be scientific on Thursdays, I’ll post about animals, answer myself a detailed question regarding my school topics, just a minor scientific research by me.
6. Fashion Fridays will include some hot styles, how some trends evolved, or even a thing about designers.
7. Saturdays are left for creative writing, a narrative, a short fictional story, or poetic attempts.

Note that if there are any special events, or some vital reblog whatsoever I shall break the rule of this schedule :) have a blessed Friday!

It is not fair

Life isn’t fair, as Bill Gates said. It really isn’t. Some people suffer for the pleasure of others and no one seems to mind. Some people are more loved when they mostly radiate hatred, while others who show love and compassion are completely ignored. Some people don’t swear and they are regarded as cowardly goody-two-shoes. Some people put in their uttermost effort to keep someone happy and they don’t appreciate it. Some people have excess wealth and spend their money extravagantly on things they don’t want. Some wives do their jobs sincerely but their husbands treat them like crap just because they just keep quiet. Some people are opressed and they have nothing to do about it. Some people are ignorants and people discourage them by making a mockery of them. Some people are liars but they are mostly believed. Some people are kind and they get stepped over. Some people are righteous and they are given no attention. Some people are smart but they are bullied. We have to get used to it, but it’s a very difficult task.

Envy…a deadly sin indeed

Lately, I have been pointing out my flaws and faults to almost everyone around me; I have felt completely worthless, I felt that I lacked a catchy personality, I lack talent, I lack beauty whether it be inside or out, I lack the gift of knowledge (excluding school of course), to sum it up, I lacked faith in myself. It wasn’t that I was seeking sympathy or attention but, to be precise, I bored people by expressing my discontent with myself. It is mandatory, I guess, to admit that I do have plus sides such as the urge to help people around me and highlight their perfections and, at least, try to draw a smile on their face. Yes, sometimes they find me too clingy or accuse me of ‘caring too much’ yet I find it necessary to practice my exceeding courtesy; it runs in my family, I suppose, as in apologizing and thanking ‘in excess’, and I do realize that some people even take advantage of that, but that is my personality. However, the most disdainful thing of all, which is also something I fear the occurance of the misunderstanding of it, is envy. And being not envious is a bliss. Thank God, I do not envy people who posess what I had to live without. This includes my friends, yes I do have them, ever since I emerged from the dingy era of grade 8, (the new uniform might have something to do with that!) and I appreciate how they talk to me for some unknown reason while they could be doing something far more productive. They are, excluding their talents and all, amazing human beings. In fact, mentioning their great personalities, how lovely and actually friendly they are, would require a whole blog by itself. Moreover, my recent friend, a confessed History geek, is one of the most brilliant, knowledgable and nicest people I have met. They are probably used to this, all the praises and the compliments, so this maybe quite meaningless, but I find it compelling on my part to give them a fervent thank you. I have realized that I am fond of History, thus realized its significance and impact on our lives. The past does matter. Sorry for beating around the bush but please check this out: intlhistory.blogspot.com